Yes - that is the best explanation I can give you as to how I feel!
For anyone who does not know, I had to have a hysterectomy last Monday. Only 6 days ago. My uterus which should have normally been only 50 grams was over 500 grams and was the size of a woman carrying a 20 week old fetus because of 3 large and growing fibroid tumors. Fibroid tumors are not dangerous...but the larger they grow, the larger the blood supply they demand and the more dangerous it is to remove them. I was way past the point of being able to have my hysterectomy done vaginally. I had to have mine removed abdominally, which makes for a longer recovery time...a bad thing for me since I wanted to start to show horses again this Fall. I will only be starting to ride again when our first show opens. Sadly - I will only be in the stands - cheering on my friends.
Don and I spent the night at my Dad's the night before the surgery. He lives very close to the medical center. We awoke about 4:45am to get ready. We rode the train over to the hospital and checked in just before 6am. I was nervous, but things went well until they tried to put the IV into my left hand. For some reason it would not thread into the vein and it was very painful. I was in tears. Another nurse was easily successful with my other hand. The tears continued though.
I know for a fact that I have no desire to have more children...but this was more than that. You see - by having this operation, I had to let go of having the choice of having more children. Logically I doubt my uterus could have sustained a full term pregnancy...but a tiny part of me still grieved. I don't know if anyone realized that.
They allowed both my husband and my Father to stay with me before taking me into the surgical suite. When it came time for us to part, the nurse instructed them to go one way and she started to push me down a different hallway. I flipped my head around watching the 2 most important men in my life walking away...NEITHER had kissed or hugged me or anything! (too used to doing what women tell them to do maybe..) but I let out a loud, "HEY! Aren't you even going to tell me good-bye?"
...to be continued..