Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dear God, Please Let the Sun Come Out Today...

For days now it has been wet, rainy, completely overcast and cold. I don't remember the last time the sun was out. It is bad enough that the weather inhibits any fun outdoor activities - like riding, hiking in the woods or fishing at the lake..but the mud...Oh the mud we have to put up with - especially in the horse pen. It is so dangerous trying to just stay balanced in the Texas clay...which when wet turns into oil...I am sure of it. No other substance could be so slippery.

No - that is not it. I know what is bothering me. You see, just 4 short years ago my Mother was put into the hospital. She and my Father lived in a high rise by the medical center. When I went to visit her, I would go to the high rise, park my car and hop on the train for a few blocks. She was in this first hospital for almost a month...through Thanksgiving. I remember because she was refusing to eat and I brought her food I made from her own recipes and asked her to taste them to see if I did a good job...(wink). Shortly there after they moved her to another hospital that was much closer. After that I would park my car, as usual at the high rise and just walk..just 2 short blocks.

It was always cloudy. It was always windy. Now add the cold and I can see; I can feel; I can remember how it felt. My hair would slap my face and get into my mouth. My nose would run and I would sniff every few seconds or so... I walked as fast as I could but I could never escape it. No matter what I wore, I was always shivering by the time I reached those sliding doors.

"Whoosh!" the sound they would make when they opened in front of me.
"DING" the elevator beckoning me to come in.
"Clack, clack, clack" the rhythmic sound my shoes made on the sterile floor leading to Mom's room...until finally the day came...the day that would be my last day to make that journey.

She died just 4 days before Christmas. If she had had a choice, she would not have chosen that day. It was too close to a holiday...and yet it is not the holiday that beckons the vivid memories.. it is the weather.

7 comments:

bj said...

O, Julie...it is always so hard when we lose loved ones around a holiday. That holiday becomes bittersweet...loving the glitz and glamour, being with family and friends, remembering why we are celebrating this paticular holiday..against the vivid memory of our departed one.
I pray your Christmas will be a good time with your family and friends that love you. How blessed you and D. are, to have the hard, ill health behind you now.
xo bj

cheryl said...

I am sorry for your loss. We just buried my Father last friday; he died December 5th, my 22nd wedding anniversary. While I do not know how this loss will impact future holiday celebrations, there is something special about my Dad "going home" to join my Mother at Christmas. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Ginger said...

Hi Julie:
I love the way you wrote this post. It must be so hard for you, as I know from reading your blog, that you and your mom were close.
We've been having very cold weather here in Utah and snow. The snow melts and we have mud. I have decided I am a "summer gal".
Merry Christmas to you and your family.

RiverBend Farm said...

Julie, my heart goes out to you..it's tough near a holiday. The 15th marked the anniversary of my father's death. Keep smiling..you know she's with you in your heart.

vivian said...

aww Julie. I hate that people leave us at holiday time. (anytime is hard enough) but it causes us to have such conflicting feelings about the holidays.. I guess thats where the term bittersweet comes from. But at least you have great memories of her too.. She would want you to be happy and joyful and to enjoy the holidays. And you have so much to celebrate about.
Im praying for lots of "son"shine for you for today!

(((hugs)))
vivian

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Debbie said...

Hi Julie,
Guess I thought people were SUPPOSED to die near holidays (my great gm - New Years Eve, my gma Christmas Day, my little Irish son on St. Pats Day, my mother-in-law on Mother's Day and my dad the week before Christmas (12/19/09) But as I sit today beside my mom as she lay trying to die, I think it will BE a holiday when she dies from complications due to ALS. Because she will once again be able to talk, eat, walk - things she hasn't been able to do for more than a year. Songs help me and I've found comfort in "I wonder what Christmas in Heaven is Like", "I Can only Imagine" (Merci Me) and "I'm Goin' Home" (BJ Thomas). Bless you Julie.