Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Final Chapter..
When I said I felt as though God had turned His face away from me, I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I did not mean it out of hatred or anger towards God, only that I felt as though, with all that is going on in my life right now, that there could not have been a worse time to lose such a beloved pet. A pet that lived with us, at times - traveled with us, and kept us in good company when we were not feeling well. Only last week, she opted to stay outside in the heat and lay under the lounge chair Don had fallen asleep in to watch over him, instead of coming inside the air conditioned house when I called her. When God said No to healing her, I found it cruel, could find no reasoning in it and felt no comfort from Him for days.
It was not until I scrolled down on my own blog that God spoke to me. In the side bar I have Daily Snippets From the Word. Something I admit to ignoring lately because of what I found to be a small selection of Bible verses that were repeated too often. On that day, when I found myself so isolated, so sore and tired, I read,
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21...
a verse I had never seen before on that side bar. I immediately felt His touch. I knew that He was not telling me Chrissy would be healed, but I knew He was there.
When I received the call from the vet at the office, I spent most of the day crying. I had my chair scooted all the way up with my head pointed toward the corner of my cubical so few if any knew I was crying. Only the people who called in, could sense something was wrong by a crack or pitch in my voice. I just kept things to the business at hand and made it though one of the longest days of my life.
At 3, I left and made the 68 minute journey to the vets office in Navasota. I drove carefully. Floods of tears came following a thought or a memory. I no longer pleaded with God. Just before getting there, I called Don at work to tell him I was about to go in. He told me he loved me and we cried together. When I arrived at the office, the staff handed me the final bill and said it was already processed. That was a relief as I thought they just used my credit card to process the new charges. What I found out later is that my dear sweet daughter Joy, had called them and paid for this portion of the bill herself over the phone.
I walked to the back with Chrissy's blanket in my arms. Her crate door was open and one of the techs was cleaning her up. My eyes feel onto her broken body and I knew. She was so much worse than she was from the last time I saw her. The vet had gently told me that she was stiff on her left side. What I found were legs tightly contracted up to her body. She was asleep, but far from peaceful. She was laboring to breathe and her left side was still ticking and twitching. I leaned down into her crate and kissed her face. I breathed in her scent and whispered to her, telling her what a good dog she was and how much I loved her.
When the vet came in I said,
"It is time. Lets put her down."
He got the injection and as he pushed it into her IV, I again put my head down by her face and kissed her nose. She took 6 more breaths. The twitching stopped along with her heart. Her legs relaxed as the doctor checked to make sure she was gone. I knew. Just as quick as that, it was over.
I wrapped her up in her blanket and cradled her into my arms. I carried her out to the truck and with the techs help laid her into the front seat.
"Please thank everyone for caring for her the way you did. It means the world to me." I told her before she returned to the office.
I got into the truck and turned it on. I sat there for a moment staring ahead. My right hand was on Chrissy's neck. I turned to her and said,
"Let's go home girl." I felt a sigh of relief.
Pulling into our driveway, I saw Joy's car. I knew she was going to be there, but what I had not expected was that she had had one of her friends come over and help dig a large hole under the huge tree Chrissy had so often laid under. It was perfect. Joy ran into the house and got Chrissy's bed. A bed that was actually 1 size too small for Chrissy, but I won it along with a huge assortment of other dog luxuries in a raffle at work. The minute I laid it down - Chrissy knew it was hers and she would contort her body this way and that ...and fall peacefully asleep in it almost every day.
We placed the bed down into the hole. With Joy's help, I took Chrissy's now relaxed body and laid her into her bed. She was curled up just as though she was asleep and she looked beautiful. I drew a tremendous amount of comfort from this. Leaning down, I kissed her one last time. I spread her blanket carefully over the top of her and tucked it down the sides of her bed before we stared to replace the dirt.
When we were done, Joy and I walked upstairs. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and watch movies.
"What a crappy time to have given up drinking wine." I said to Joy. "If there was ever a time I wanted a glass - it is now!"
I will be posting some "Chrissy stories" in the future.