Yes - that is the best explanation I can give you as to how I feel!For anyone who does not know, I had to have a hysterectomy last Monday. Only 6 days ago. My uterus which should have normally been only 50 grams was over 500 grams and was the size of a woman carrying a 20 week old fetus because of 3 large and growing fibroid tumors. Fibroid tumors are not dangerous...but the larger they grow, the larger the blood supply they demand and the more dangerous it is to remove them. I was way past the point of being able to have my hysterectomy done vaginally. I had to have mine removed abdominally, which makes for a longer recovery time...a bad thing for me since I wanted to start to show horses again this Fall. I will only be starting to ride again when our first show opens. Sadly - I will only be in the stands - cheering on my friends.
Don and I spent the night at my Dad's the night before the surgery. He lives very close to the medical center. We awoke about 4:45am to get ready. We rode the train over to the hospital and checked in just before 6am. I was nervous, but things went well until they tried to put the IV into my left hand. For some reason it would not thread into the vein and it was very painful. I was in tears. Another nurse was easily successful with my other hand. The tears continued though.
I know for a fact that I have no desire to have more children...but this was more than that. You see - by having this operation, I had to let go of having the choice of having more children. Logically I doubt my uterus could have sustained a full term pregnancy...but a tiny part of me still grieved. I don't know if anyone realized that.
They allowed both my husband and my Father to stay with me before taking me into the surgical suite. When it came time for us to part, the nurse instructed them to go one way and she started to push me down a different hallway. I flipped my head around watching the 2 most important men in my life walking away...NEITHER had kissed or hugged me or anything! (too used to doing what women tell them to do maybe..) but I let out a loud, "HEY! Aren't you even going to tell me good-bye?"
...to be continued..
9 comments:
I had to have this done when I was only 33..I did, however, already have a boy and a girl and was so thankful to have them. I still thank the Lord every day for them!
Yes, it takes awhile to recover but it will happen quicker than you think. Praying for you, dear one.
xo bj
Bless your heart! I understand that feeling your talking about. Im afraid of having to let go as well. My time is coming too soon I feel. Hope your feeling better soon.
Wishing you a speedy recovery. And personally, having been on the surgical end of this problem, I think the abdominal hysterectomy is the way to go. Yeah, you get a scar and have a longer recovery period, but your bladder will thank you for it- and you will thank it! Vaginal hysterecomty is a little easier surgery to undergo, but it does disrupt the support structures for the pelvic floor a little bit more than the TAH. You'll be back to riding again in no time- in the meanwhile, take advantage of being waited on hand and foot! :)
Hi Julie:
You are so brave. I would of had to be drugged just to get to the hospital.
I hope you take the full time to recuperate and not rush it.
Thinking about you....
When you mention your thought about childbearing, it reminded me of an experience I had.
I know this might sound silly, because my children were grown and I was certainly passed childbearing, at the time of my surgery, which was as yours, complete and abdominal. After my return home, a few days into recovery, it hit me, sort of like a ton of bricks, the place where my babies grew was gone. I remember distinctly, standing in the middle of the living room, thinking that thought. The feeling that came over me was so bittersweet. I wondered if other women had felt this and now I know.
Hoping for a good recovery. It does take awhile. Be careful. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I know exactly what you're experiencing! Had it done at 31. Dr. said we were lucky to have children at all! My advice: 1. take it slow, don't overdo it...even if you feel good...do not skip the pain meds....pain can sneak up on you. 2. don't expect people who have not gone through it to understand....they cannot, empathize yes (if they're caring people) but really understand no. 3. give yourself permission to grieve, it is a loss. 4. listen to your body....if you're going to take HRT sometimes it takes a while to get it regulated, keep working with your Dr. and don't give up. This is controversial but I've been wearing a Vivelle patch for about 17 yrs. now and would not be without it. Everyone is different so do what's good for your body. 5. pamper yourself at this time, it's not being selfish....it's nurturing yourself...women are so busy taking care of everyone else, we sometimes suffer in ways we're unaware of! Hope you heal fast and this helps some, my prayers and best to you. Luanne
Oh they shouldn't have to be told this, but living with 3 men myself I so understand. They want to be babied when they aren't feeling well, but when it's the mom, well things are different. Hope you feel better soon.
awww Julie...bless your heart! I sure hope they came back and kissed you!!
hugs and prayers to you...and I hope your recovery is coming along good.
I think men have a hard time dealing with their women being ill...sometimes they act as if it's nothing because it's too scarey for them to admit it is SOMETHING. They have to act as if everything's going to be fine, no worries, etc. Underneath they are shaking in their boots.
Take care of yourself and feel better soon!
Lots of prayers and hugs for you!
Susan
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